World has NOT ended
I woke up this morning expecting to see Jesus standing by my bedside ready to take me on a bar crawl to celebrate the Rapture, but this was not the case. The world has not ended, nor has Jesus chosen me because I’ve been a good old chap. I suppose I will have to wait for the 99 virgins and free vodkas, but last night was rather amusing with all the paranoia which was circulating around the world.
This is the very same man who said the world would end in the 1990s, and I daresay atheists across the globe are holding their very own after parties. I wonder if the cost of living is cheaper up there, and whether Jesus has, in fact, chosen the good to join him. Okay, I’m a bad boy, and he probably didn’t choose me because as a child I did steal penny sweets on several occasions and I can also remember stealing a foot-long fizzy chew.
So, just when I was preparing for the Rapture, I now have to get back to reality and enjoy the wonders of recession, cuts, job hunting and completing my final year of university. Then again, I would not have been very happy if the world had ended and I had paid £3k per year to study at university, and I would have been even more infuriated knowing I left the oven on.
So, Jesus, thank you for not choosing me and to that American who predicted the world would end for the second time, I would advise you to retake your GCSE in mathematics.