Guide to Men’s Language
As I’m a man (yes, really) I thought I’d put together a sort of manual for you women out there. Some things we say may seem beautiful or oh so lovely, but we have hidden meanings and contexts behind what we actually mean. We don’t mean to offend, nor do we intend to insult or indirectly ruin your life, but you know you really couldn’t live without our bad habits of picking our noses and boring you with football 😉
1. What’s wrong, darling?
* For goodness sake, stop stropping around and moaning when you don’t even want me to know what’s wrong. How can I help you if, when I ask, you tell me to go away? So the male meaning behind this question is simply: I’m going to ask what’s wrong so it looks like I’m human and have emotions, but to be honest I don’t really care as I’ve got Match of the Day on TV in a bit so please just hush in the corner until it’s finished
2. Nice dress
* Lovely cleavage, and oh please do a twirl – so I can say how beautiful you look – and I can take a look at your bum. Yes, very nice dress, I would (depending on your age) ‘make love to you’, ‘bang it’ (presuming you’re 17) or get back to reading my paper
3. Can I call you?
* It’ll only cost me 30p and, if I’m lucky, I’ll have my wicked way with you. If you still think I’m ugly then I suppose we can have a KFC before I try again to get inside your knickers. If all else fails, can I text you? (x leads to xx leads to xxxx leads to….)
4. I’m bored, shall we watch a movie?
* Popcorn down the top, sorry. Spilt drink over your top, sorry. My hand has a mind of its own, sorry. By the time we get upstairs I’ll be out of puff anyway and ready for bed, so please can we do it downstairs? Okay, that slap was a bit hard, let’s get back to watching the movie (but don’t lean back or turn off the other light as my view will be distorted)
5. I’ve got important business to attend to
* I’m going to the pub with my mates after work but I won’t tell you because, even though you’re allowed out to party all night and come in smelling of your own vomit at 3am (expecting me to stay up waiting for you) I’m not going to tell you
6. Sorry I didn’t text back, I ran out of credit
* I really can’t be bothered to text you back as it costs 12p to send you the following, in order: 1) love you x 2) love you more xx 3) going bed now x 4) yes, tomorrow I’ll text you 5) here’s the kiss x 6) going bed now xxxx 7) running out of cred 8) x 9) xx 10) RAN OUT OF CREDIT
7. No, you’re bum doesn’t look big in that
* It does look a little big, but I don’t mind. It’s what you were expecting me to say anyway (pointless question of the century)
8. Fancy a bite to eat?
* When I get to the restaurant I can bribe you to pay half as this wasn’t in the agreement and I really don’t fancy you enough yet to pay for your full roast chicken and chips